Am I an idiot?

Really, I feel like an idiot. Its probably low self esteem kicking in. I get it from time to time. I have my gripes about life. Then again maybe its just my complainer attitude. I always have gripes about something.

Well, it just that time of year....all my friends are graduating..even you, my love. I'm still behind..being 2 years older. I'm not due out till at least May '10. Sometimes I feel like a failure in life. Like I made all the wrong decisions and came out the worse for wear. I think its normal sometimes for us to see things and say that the grass is greener on the other side. Whether or not it IS greener is definitely open to debate :). More often than not, it isn't any greener at all.

When I was in Australia, I always thought how perfect my life would be. Some call me lucky. For so long, I have striven towards one goal in life. I wanted to be the one who people address as "Captain" and "sir". Hehehe. I'm there now. I'm going to fly :). Thus the name of this blog...Seriously, if you guys STILL don't get the flying penis joke...its because APFT is all male. And what else do men bring with them when they fly? :) Well, back to my story, I always thought that being a pilot and having the girl of my dreams by my side would be everything I'd ever want in life. When i was in Australia, looking over those listless fields, cold and dark, I had a lot of time to think about what i really wanted to be in life. It was time for me to take charge and influence the direction of my life. No longer was I to be blown about by the winds of life...be it my mother or just chance :).

So, rationally, I couldn't be any happier right? I mean, I not only have the job of my dreams, but I also have to girl of my dreams. I should be happy at work and at home...having all that I've ever wanted. Well, that isn't the case now is it?

The devil has many ways of going into one's heart, and telling lies that oftentimes sound like the truth. My entire life, I have listened to what I thought was the voice of reason, because it sounded oh so sweet to the ears.

The tenth commandment is "thou shalt not covet". We shouldn't be looking at what others have and think that what we have is insufficient. Sometimes, the devil whispers in my heart that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure in life, despite all that I've become...how I've grown, in body and spirit. Today, i met a friend of mine. She was my old coursemate back in Ausmat. She's finished her degree and is now working. It hit home then..that I was sitting at a table with my peers by age, but not my peers by status. I was still a student. Sometimes I get so sad, and ask God, how come he didn't let me choose the easy way. The perfect, painless way. In church, its easy to see..I'm not a MAS cadet, nor am I an Airasia cadet, like many of my friends are. I still have to find a job. In the eyes of many,and sometimes even myself, my future is far from certain. You see, friends, thats what happens when you look at other people's lots. You think what you have is not enough, and you start to take the blessings that the Lord has given you and downplaying them. I have been blessed, with many things:

I was spared a job I would never have enjoyed doing, for something that I have yearned for, my entire life.

I have the full support of a kind, and loving family.

I am in good, if not perfect health.

I have a great church and Christian family here, in all places, Kelantan.

I have faith once again, for Christianity in Malaysia, after losing faith in this country's Christian community for so long.

I have grown in leaps and bounds, both in body, mind and spirit, always for the better.

I have great friends who love me.

and last, but certainly not least,

I have a wise, beautiful woman by my side.

You see? God has indeed blessed me. By looking at what my friends have and thinking that what I have isn't good enough, doesn't do the gifts of the Lord justice. What he gave me, is as good as any gift that has been given to my friends. What about a job you say? Well, I may not be a cadet, but as in all things, my hope lies in the Lord :). After all, if you cannot trust your job to Him, can you trust your life, or your soul to His safe keeping?